As news-gathering operations go, the Mail Online has become the omni-harvester, capable of sucking stories from the driest of wells and the emptiest of beaches.
It may stretch the definition of celebrity to breaking point and crank up the indignation until purple with rage, but TMO’s non-stop feed of bigotry, dieting and the flaunting of sideboob has an undeniably narcotic effect.
Recently though, their obsession with a young girl’s first experiences of buying petrol is coming across as more than a little creepy.
Indeed, so keen have they been to document Kaia Gerber’s fuel requirements that they triumphantly shared her “first attempt at pumping gas” back in August.
“On Wednesday, it was a big day for Kaia Gerber, who gave pumping her own gas it’s first go,” reported the omni-harvester.
While she managed this rite of passage without getting it all over herself or causing a fireball, she did make one rookie mistake, however: “Gerber missed a golden opportunity to re-create her mother Cindy Crawford’s famous 1992 Pepsi commercial that took place at a gas station.”
Easy to forget, perhaps, in the excitement.
Today they’re back again to report that she’s not “too posh to pump”, although they don’t specify the alternatives had she considered self-filling beneath her dignity.
And on the days when she’s not handling unleaded fuels, the Mail Online still seems to find plenty of interest in her life to write about.
Indeed, so frequently does she appear that it feels a bit obsessive, given that compared to what she does most days, buying petrol is something of a compelling storyline.
Of course, the real story is that she keeps “her layers to a minimum”, incidentally providing compelling evidence that she doesn’t pick up a large bag of Tangfastics every time she pulls in at the local Esso.
Indeed, so undernourished does she appear that it’s surprising she hasn’t fallen foul of TMO’s on-again, off-again fury at the “fashion industry’s” use of calorie-dodging models.
And TMO’s current full body spasm of outrage regarding sex pests also feels a little incongruous when they are checking in daily to see what a sixteen-year-old is wearing.
Going to TMO and complaining about hypocrisy is a bit like holidaying in the UK and complaining about the weather – it’s your own fault if you’re surprised.
But all this hovering around petrol stations to “report” on young girls?
Clear off, weirdo.